I'm Sorry For My Compliment
It doesn’t matter what you look like, where you’re from, or how terrible of a human being you’ve become; my dad will find something to compliment. You could be a heroin addict with a facial deformity or a hairless dog with a skin rash and missing teeth. It doesn’t matter - my dad will observe you, uncover you, bathe you with compliments, then he’ll send you on your way (not before making you miss your afternoon plans with endless stories about his time in Vietnam).
His compliments used to start with a, “I need to tell joo someting.” Nowadays, he kicks them off with an “I’m sorry for my compliment.”
Dad: Eberybody es so...sensitivo!! I cannot be mySELF. Fack!
Me: Pops take a deep breath. What’s going on?
Dad: Leesten to me.
I leestened.
Dad: Joo and joor mama tell me to stop complimenting people so mach. Joo tell me “people don’t like et! Joo will get in trouble!” Leave me alone!! What es the point of living if I can’t make people feel nice?
Me: Pops I didn’t mean you should stop...just that you should be careful when complimenting someone’s appearance, they might not like the way you like to compliment.
Dad: What da hell joo mean the way I compliment?
Me: I don’t know man, I just think some people don’t like the super direct compliments, and your compliments tend to be very...
Dad: Shatap! I don’t want to hear it! My compliments are wonderful! The best! Los mejores!
Leesten. When I was still workeen...shet how long ago...15 year ago already, wow...anyway, when I was workeen, I walk into de office and I tell the receptionist, “Olga, did joo just arrive at the office?’ and Olga say to me, ‘Jes, Roy, I walk in de door two second before joo! Don’t joo remember?’ and den I would say ‘oh no no Olga, joo should not come in through de front door, ever.’ And Olga would look barry concern and ask...’why I cannot come in through de fron door, Roy, is it broken?’
Worried that my dad had forgotten what we were discussing and instead elected to tell me a random story, I interrupted.
Dad: SHATAP!! Callate!!! If joo control joor ADHD flare up, maybe joo will hear the rest of the story today!”
Me: ...ok I’m listening
Dad: ANYWAY, where the hell was I before a boludo interrupted me... Oh jes...so I tell Olga, “Olga, the door on the roof is better for joo. Much more conveeneeyent.”
Me: Ok wait, what the hell? Why?!
Dad: Becoz she ees an angel who float down from the heavens and the roof door provides easier access to the office.
Me: *jaw drops*
Dad: Becoz es closer to heaven.
Me: Ok damn, that’s a good one.
Dad: And den I say “thank joo Aphrodite, I mean Olga jaja, for blessing us with joor beautiful eyes, and striking physique on thees day.” And den I tell her “Aphrodite, I mean Olga, jaja! Joor husband is de most fortunate man alive and God forbid joo get bored of him, but if joo do...I can be joor Ares.”
Me: Ok now I see how this could cause problems. Aphrodite isn’t even an angel. And isn’t Olga like 82?
Dad: 83. Who gives a shet. 25, 95. Eberody get a compliment.
Me: Dad, that compliment was a bit too much...You have to be careful...
Dad: So sensitive! Sorry for my compliment!