Shouting About Expensive Smoothies

I went to Erewhon with my 77-year-old, 75% deaf dad last week. He had read about it in the newspaper and was deeply curious to see whether the rumors of the cost of goods were true. “You hear about this - Er-Wen market?” he’ll blurt out as I pick up the phone. “A smoothie for…take a guess…$30! I got to see to believe!” he shouts, misrepresenting the phrase in his intensely Peruvian accent.

So, we went. We walked around the store – I led the way with my dad in tow. “Roy! Do joo need…*squints at bottle*… extra VEERGEN olive oil?” he screamed across the aisle. No dad, I responded, signaling that he should lower his volume. “Well, you gotta get a second job and I gotta come out of retirement because it’s $51 DOLLARS! Que locura!” he yelled back. 

In the next aisle over he picked up a small bottle of almond butter. “Ah yes, butter from ALMOND! Very fancy, I hear good things.” I braced myself. “I get this at Trader Joes for $5.99, too expensive. Maybe it’s cheaper here, let me see…” A couple shoppers in yoga pants looking at collagen supplements looked to us and scoffed. “It’s $2 and…wait…it’s $28.99! HA! I’ll give them my car keys too!” At first I was painfully embarrassed, but as he continued his rampage, I became perversely satisfied that my dad was saying what everyone was (or should be) thinking.  

On the way out, my dad decided he couldn’t leave without buying something, so he grabbed a pack of gum for $5.79. He approached a cashier who was getting ready to open their lane. I, once again, braced myself. “Beautiful store. Wonderful employees.” He told the cashier. He always has to compliment the staff wherever he goes. “But why is everything so expensive here? What is the reason? Is better products?” The cashier looked around, like a thief in the night approaching a well-lit city block. He cupped his hands around his mouth and approached my dad’s ear. 

“Fuck if I know,” he said.